Mea Culpa

 

 Mea Culpa

 (Enigma 1990)

 Chapter Three. Part 1.

“Were running out of time. We only have one hour to get ourselves ready for your trip into hell.”

“If this might involve something being placed in my brown eye and then up to your nuts in guts, I think I will make sure I empty myself. You start preparations whilst I drop a stinky.”

Although it was a tempting invitation, he decided that idea was going to be saved till after they had gone to midday mass to repent the sins he intended to bequeath to her.

“Okay my sex on legs, but when you come out, I am going to refer to you as Rosemary and you must take on her roll.”

“Rosemary? Do I look like some kind of freak whose parents decided I looked like I would grow up to be a nun wearing rosary beads from birth? Ok, not a problem, I will see you in…actually, that is quite neat having that large clock imbedded in the cupboard under the sink.” She laughs. “And, it measures not only the time, humidity, but the pain threshold and smell rating!”

“Actually the last two don’t work. But I am making progress on the idea.”

“You should design an app for it all and build in some kind of scales in the bowl to measure the amount of piss has been pissed, the weight and type of any stools deposited, runny or not. Just like when you have to describe to the doctor if you think you have contracted Ebola.” Now she was shrieking with laughter as she, with another bum wiggle, entered the bathroom and locked the door.

He went to the bedroom and removing three articles from a set of draws, placed them on the bed and returned to the living area. Clearing the coffee table, he covered it in a shiny, pure white silk cloth, embroidered with patterns of  black crowns with thorns dripping blood. Onto this was placed a large satanic Ouija board with a small devil figure as the curser. Finally, a ceremonial dagger of the SS.

With the lights dimmed to deep red, “Alexa, play Enigma, Mea Culpa, and lower the volume.”

The request was done, and with four LED tea lights on each corner, were turned on and flickered eerily alight for the forth coming doom in the gloom. With another remote, a whooshing sound as of marijuana smelling fog poured out from under the sofa and filled the small place.

Opening and shutting the bathroom door, “Rosemary is here and what the hell, I can hardly breathe, never mind see.” Then holding out an aerosol can, “where on earth did you buy this. It stinks of roses to high heavens and hasn’t really disguised what I had for dinner last night. I like to keep them hard and uptight till I really want to plant a serious coil. This was more like a apocalyptic mud landslide. Serves me right for eating a chicken vindaloo at an Indian restaurant. That was paid for by some total boring loser who I took a chance with from mDates. I mean, look at the tin. A picture of a devil sitting on the toilet breathing fire and labelled ‘Devil’s Stench Exterminator’!” She placed the can in front of the door rather than go back in. “I suggest you don’t go in there for a while. That place Rosemary just left smells of very rotten roses.”

“Can we change the subject please. I am very sensitive about bowel movements. Even my own pong makes me want to vomit. The can label I designed, laminated and stuck it on the cheapest rose smellies I could get. I think that tin came from LIDL’s own brand.”

“Well I am grateful for that much. If you had wanted me to shit on your head, I would be out of here and wish you good luck with another woman on mDates.”

Both them were now in the bedroom, the ‘her’ now named Rosemary, looked at the packets on the bed. Two were costumes neatly folded in transparent sealed bags, the third a clear A4 document sleeve filled with temporary tattoos.

“And pray, where did you get these? Also, at Lidle?” as she examined one package before opening it. “It still has its price on! Four euros and ninety-nine cents marked down from thirty nine and ninety-nine. And from TEDI. How lucky I am. At least I know its never been worn before. Hmm, ‘one size fits all’.

“Oh, I picked them up a few weeks ago. They were in a box of the unsold junk from last year’s Halloween. Also, just hang on a second, what makes you think that is your costume? For all you know I could be in that and you are wearing the devil’s costume,” and pulling it out of its bag, then shaking it out, “and you then fuck me up the arse with a giant black, strap on dildo.”

“Hardly. I don’t see one on the bed and I am quite sure that even your weird mind would not want that.”

Laughing wickedly. “True, my tradesman’s entrance is still sealed against any kind of sex machines. But its no wonder that Amazon gives members of the LGBTQ club a 20% discount on their online collection of sex toys. All ‘Made in China’ and powered by Durexcell. Stop chirping so much and get dressed. It’s a shame I don’t have my makeup on.”

“Huh. Makeup. Why not?”

“Because it is all in a small cosmetic bag on the shelf above the toilet and I can’t go in there.”

“Oh, I just have to see you in make-up. I get it.”

Rapidly she skipped, saw and snatched, the wind following the shutting of the door unmistakable.

“Erm…Yes, that is quite a bummer of a stench.”

“Now sit down,” opening the bag and looking inside. “Aha, black fingernail polish, WITH built is red glitter. She looked at her own still speckled with dried semen. “I think mine will have to do.”

Out came a black pencil liner and mascara, a white powder puff container, black gloss lipstick, plus, “What’s this? A contact lens receptacle.” She opened one of the two small screw tops. “There is nothing in here but saline fluid. So…Oh, I get it. Oh- you cheat! Let me look at your eyes.” Grabbing his head, she closely examined his eyes. “Their party lenses. And you were wearing them when that photo was taken that you posted on your profile. Well, it fooled me.”

Smiling,“ I think watching Kaa in Jungle Book gave me the idea. I hypnotised you didn’t I? Now my lovely. Start with the nails as they need time to dry. Do the face with powder first and”

“I don’t think I need to be told how to put on makeup. I was doing that long before I lost my virginity at 14.”

 

Finished and satisfied with her skilful applications, she started to look through the tattoos.